I've been wrestling with it for quite a while now. The curse of a conscience. It makes me wonder whether or not people who believe in strong consciences are just masochistic idiots or people with a martyr complex. Then again, I've detected both trends in myself, so who am I to talk?
I do keep listening to "Mary's Prayer", though. (Sung by the group Danny Wilson.) Wonderful song, came out in the middle 80's. I was surprised to find it had staged a resurgence, until I found out it had been put on the "There's Something About Mary" soundtrack. I'm not a big fan of the physical humour in those types of films, but at least they hit the nail on the head when it came to the music.
Everything is wonderful, being here is heavenly, Every single day she says, everything is free. I used to be careless, as if I couldn't care less Did I have to make mistakes, when I was Mary's prayer? Suddenly the heavens rolled, suddenly the rain came down Suddenly was washed away, the Mary that I knew... So if you find somebody you keep, think of me and celebrate, I made such a big mistake, when I was Mary's prayer. So if I say save me, save me, be the light in my eyes If I say ten Hail Mary's, leave a light on in heaven for meAnyway, I'm going to break way from this train of thought. The last thing I want to do is write one of those "Oh woe is me" type of self-pitying things, where I basically say how bad my life is. Because it isn't. I have a decent job, a good family, friends who care for my well-being (at least I think they do (8-) ), and I'm dating somebody who is absolutely wonderful. I've been blessed with gifts, and, I like to think I've used them to the best of my abilities for the better, for the most part.
There's just this dark part of my mind that doesn't like staring in mirrors for too long, this part that has memories of a different time when I was happy with myself, this part that's convinced that, once you cross a certain line between good and evil, you can never be good again. All you can do is try to redeem the evil. Sometimes, you might even succeed.
Guilt is a wonderful emotion. It can change your life forever.
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Last Modified: Monday, 11-Feb-2002 12:41:45 CST