The Warpfish Chronicles

"27 years on the planet, and I still haven't figured out what's going on."

Ghosts -- December 29th, 2001

Thus, I've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of where I've been, where I'm going kind of stuff. The type of stuff you do whenever a landmark times goes by, and you think "What have I done with my life so far?"

It's been a good year for me, personally. A bad year for the world, in general. And, there are still things I worry about, I pray about, I wonder if I'll ever stop worrying about.

Christmas marks the birth of Christ, a symbol of redemption and forgiveness. Several months ago, I remarked on how much guilt can be a force in a person's life. It's still there, buried under the surface, but, always gnawing away at me. I know that I will never truly wash away what happened -- that, once you're tarnished, you're always less than perfect. I have to learn to accept that. It's very hard. I'm sure other perfectionists know what I'm talking about.

I'm also really worried about a really good friend of mine. I'm hoping everything works out for her. I pray, every night, that everything works out for her. I pray, every night, that she won't get hurt again. And as most people know, the hardest part is staying out of the way.

BTW, forgive the vagueness. While I have decided to participate in this electronic voyeruism, other people have not given me permission, so, I am vague so people who know me will not be able to determine who I'm talking about by the details.

Other ghosts: the world in general. Nobody in general would like the signs -- to historians, the same critical symptoms keep popping up. The New World Order is one of conflict and war, apparently, and I hope smarter heads will prevail.

I'm going to stop here. I didn't really want these entries to become my soap-box to air my personal concerns; I wanted to stick with more general commentary. But, this is what's been on my mind recently. The good, the bad, and the ugly. The trick is to match which ghost with which category.

They say true happiness is when you can look in a mirror and like what you see. Over the last litle while, I've been looking in mirrors, and not cringing. It's been a long time since I've been able to do this. I guess this is progress.

I also remember telling somebody a couple of weeks ago, that, for the first time in a long time, everything in my life made sense. It still does. This doesn't mean I don't have questions -- rather, even the questions fit into the pattern that my life is taking. I guess this is also progress.

I keep forgetting -- ghosts aren't something that pop up every year on your birthday. If you're like me, ghosts are something that you wrestle with every day of your life, till the end of days. Like tonight.

Images of sorrow, pictures of delight
Things that go to make up a life...
Endless days of summer, longer nights of gloom
Waiting for the morning light.
Scenes of unimportance like photos in a frame
Things that go to make up a life...

Help us someone, let us out of here
Living here so long undisturbed,
Dreaming of the time we were free
So many years ago
Before the time when we first heard,
Welcome to the Home by the Sea.

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