05/15/2005: "The Realization"
The other day, I realized something. I don't know if I would normally recognize thoughts such as this, but I think it's good that I did with this one. I realized that I'm not going to be seeking full-time employment where I am right now, despite months of trying to get in the door.
What sparked this throught pattern was a phone call. A recruiter I had talked to many weeks back had called to say that the client he presented me to wanted to schedule a phone interview. Not surprisingly, this got me thinking about working there, and moving, and what kind of career choice this would be, and all that. Meshed in with all those other thoughts was an underlying assumption that I almost didn't realize: that I would leave where I am now quite easily.
Now, you might think that such a thought is obvious. Well, not really. I started thinking about what would happen if this phone interview didn't go anywhere and I didn't get the job. What would that change that would make me want to stay where I am? Aside from a paycheque, nothing, really. I know that the politics where I am now suck, and I've now also realized that it's simply not going to change. Things have been the way they are for six years. Unless the president has a far-reaching, radical idea as to what to do with me if I come on full-time, it just means that I'll be deeper into this awful interpersonal mess. Why would I stay in that? Especially if the job falls short of other professional ideals I've set for my next position?
So, I have a rough plan of action. If I get another job before my 3 months here are up, I'll simply leave. Whether I say anything more, I'll determine later. If, however, I'm still here in August when my 3 months are up and I'm offered a full-time position, I will decline. If something else is available to me, I'll take that. If not, I'll ask to stay on contract (on an indefinite term) and tell them exactly why I don't want to come on permanently. The reasons are obvious to me, but that doens't mean it's not simply an open secret that nobody discusses with the president. He has to know that there is awful interpersonal conflict going on, and that it is not only likely affecting productivity, but performance as well.
A lot of people I've told this to say something like, "There's always an adjustment," or, "There are usually ways to work around a difficult co-worker." Well, fuck that. Yes, my career is in the shitter right now, but if anything that should mean that I set my standards for the next company I work for higher, not lower. I want to want to stay in my next job for 5 years at a bare minimum. I already want out of the current situation. Therefore, either the situation has to change, or I'm looking elsewhere.