08/21/2006: "my ego's making me do it"
This entry is motivated purely by an egotistical self-centric paranoia. The reasons for doing this are almost childish, and I feel stupid for sitting down to write it. At the same time, if I don't write it, it will nag at me for a long time. So instead of cramming it in my emotional closet, I'm just going to throw it out there - regardless of how assinine it feels to write it.
It comes down to this: For weeks - nay, months - I was all a-twitter at the possibility of working for NRC-IRAP. Then I suddenly get an interview, months after my application. At times I've literally been
quaking with excitement at the mere thought of getting the job. Right up to the day of the interview, my enthusiasm is barely containable. Then I have the interview, and seemingly do a complete flip-flop, deciding that maybe it's not the right job for me.
Here it comes folks, the really banal, stupid part: I'm not dismissing the job because I think I did poorly in the interview. If I must admit it, I feel like a child saying, "Well, I didn't want it ANYWAY," when I can't have something I wanted. I don't know why I'm feeling like that, or why I'd think that anyone that knows me would assume that's where I'm coming from - but I want to address (and hopefully dispell) those feelilngs.
First, I think I'm harbouring some disappointment in how the interview (and to some extent, my preparation) went. While I was never at a loss for words during the interview, I certainly wasn't a prime candidate for the position. Simply put, I'm far too green. Not only do I not have the industry experience they want (electronics, whereas I'm totally consumer- and heavy vehicle-oriented), I'm also not networked enough. Yes, I know the region and for the most part the industry that lies therein, but my resources within industry are still very few and far between. That's a critical shortcoming in this position; I'm not going to be handed a local network to tap into, I need my own. On that I simply can't deliver.
Then there's the realization that the job simply isn't suitable for me. First, they actively discourage people in this position from starting a business. As they put it, you're a full-time employee of NRC and we would expect you to give your position your full attention. So regardless of any future business ideas I will have (and I will have them, rest assured, most especially if I'm dealing with the
commercialization of new technology), I won't be able to act on them. As well, it was apparent that they were not keen on the idea of an employee taking an extended leave of absence in order to pursue
another degree. Sure, the degree I'm looking to get would be nothing but beneficial for this position, but again, it's a full-time job and they don't want someone leaving it. Forget about helping to fund your
schooling or anything like that.
All in all, I'm disappointed, and a little bit disillusioned, and on two fronts no less; I'm not qualified, and the position doesn't suit me. What I am not is being a petulant child, dismissing the position because I'm not qualified. Now I should figure out why I felt the need to explain that...