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08/03/2005: "it's killing me"

Have you ever been waiting for a phone call, or a letter, or an e-mail, and it feels like it's taking forever to come? Remember how you'd constantly check your voice mail or inbox frequently throughout the day, hoping to find the message you've been waiting for? That's the stage I'm at now with my admission back to school.

Last week the student liason informed me that the person in charge of admissions was on holiday, and would return this week. Of course, I took that to mean that I could learn my fate as early as 9am on Tuesday morning, but that simply hasn't been the case. No messages waiting at home, no e-mail from them, no acceptance or rejection letters in the mail... it's starting to really get to me.

It's not just not knowing that is being burdensome, it's all the associated what-if scenarios that I'm having to juggle at the same time that's driving me nuts. For example, I'm thoroughly researching laptops and have my eye on a few used ones, a few eBay auctions, and even new ones from the online Apple store. As prepared as I am, I can't do a blinking thing until I get the spec sheet from the university telling me what the laptop will need to be able to do. Heck, I don't even know if I'm going to get in and need that laptop! Regardless, I'm keeping up on things in case I need it. That's burning mental energy.

If I do get into school, my wife will do some part-time child care at home to make some money. For that we'll likely need to get a minivan, or our current favourite nanovan the Mazda5. There is a very, very slight chance that we'd do this regardless of whether I'm in school or not, but it's a far more likely scenario if I won't be earning full-time money for the next 10 months. So once again, we're burning this mental energy evaluating our finances, the nanovan, how to get rid of our leased car, and we'll never be able to actually decide until I know one way or the other.

It doesn't even stop in the short term. If I don't get into school, I'm looking for work. Will we have to move? After school, I'll have new opportunities that may take me away, so again we might move in a year from now. Which one? Don't know, can't say... even if I know I'm in/not in school!

See where I'm going? I'm FRUSTRATED.

Sigh. Well, I guess I'm going to check my e-mail again. I'll check the mail when I get home, and see if there's been any calls for me once I get home. Argh.