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01/19/2006: "a bit calmer now"


Oops, did I go off the deep end? Looks that way.

Stepping back a bit, nothing has really been said that I should have become incensed about. I'm usually quite good at taking a joke and some good-natured ribbing, as well as being able to differentiate between those and someone being malicious or condescending. Somehow, that wasn't the case earlier today.

Clarifications and apologies accepted all around, with my own apology for flying off the handle offered in return. The truth is that I now wonder if there isn't something larger underpinning this afternoon's meltdown, and that political parrying simply became the fissure that happened to cause the moodquake.

I'm going to have to think about this for a while, and really examine what's going on in my life and why what happened today happened. There is no way that political disagreements put me over the edge, I'm just not wired that way. (Or at the very least, I never have been ever before.)

The current big stressor in my life is work. I'm off to a very slow and discouraging start, I feel like my attempt to get my Masters is being pushed aside, and I'm getting information 2nd- (or 3rd-) hand from the operations manager, whom I am yet to figure out whether he's with me or against me. Some of this is going to be resolved soon, as I've scheduled some time with Bob next week, just him and me. I'll finally be up-to-date on the state of contracts, what the plan of action is, and other key aspects of my job. Hopefully I'll get an idea from him about my degree as well, and then I'll be able to at least have a rough crack at forming a 3-year plan.

Working at home is another stressor, both for myself and Jannette. Neither of us are sure what my role is anymore - should I be fully engaged with work from 8 to 4 to the exclusion of helping with the family, or am I available anytime I'm home with the exception of when I have to make/take a call? Not having a sanctuary of work doesn't help, but of course we're in the middle of finishing our basement, which will solve that particular dilemma.

Ah, yes, there's yet another stressor. Finishing the basement isn't free, and we're just now getting the Christmas bills, so money's another factor that's stressing me out. Of course, that's nothing new having gone through both unemployment and a layoff, but it never makes it easeir.

[Speaking of things financial, I've heard a little bit from Bob and John about their trip to China. Short story: I'm no longer expecting a commission from this order. I'm still hoping for it, but from what little I've been told, it's much further down the probability scale than I ever imagined. So, no five-figure Messiah cheque will be forthcoming at any point in the forseeable future.]

Hmmm... looks like poking fun at my political ideology was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, and I'm grumpier than I thought I was. Well, poop.

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